I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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