How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
