He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
