"it" just moved
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
