I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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