just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize