he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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