and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize