Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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