My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
