I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize