I am spending my child support on dildos
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
