Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
