I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
