so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
