and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
