If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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