taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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