my phone needs a breathalizer
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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