Your face is a jimmy john
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
