Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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