tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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