So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
