It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
