I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize