I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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