Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
