my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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