I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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