Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize