see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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