I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
