I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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