i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
