we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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