my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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