I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
