I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
