Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
