Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
