Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize