i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
