She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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