I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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