i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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