I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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