cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
