I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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