Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
