Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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