Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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