I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize