your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
