So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
